Earlier I mentioned after the pandemic hit and I had time to see true colors, I began purging, estranging, and outright removing people from my life. I have learned why Kings, Queens and Emperors had to clean house as they ascended to the throne. You hear dictators taking power and next thing you know, folks in high places start disappearing. Understand there will be that epiphany moment before you put on the crown when you realize how many haters and evil folks are around you are behind the scene trying to stop your rise. And your first decision when you have power is to deal with them.

I did not realize the term withholding praise until I read about a blogger going through it with their family and how it got them depressed and feeling self-doubt. This triggered me to think about my own upbringing and how my family acted. I looked back and I remember being happy when one of them accomplish or achieve something, I truly did. But when it came to me accomplishing and achieving things, I got crickets and silence – my family was withholding praise from me on purpose.

I’m going to be honest; it didn’t affect me back then because I was achieving/accomplishing things either for me to fulfill a goal or to impress a girl to like a brotha, it was never done for family validation and acceptance. But now that I’m a grown man and looking back and reflecting, I don’t like the behavior or the intent coming from my family, and as a result; I have taken affirmative response to that kind of toxic negative stuff leveled at me.

It wasn’t only family, I had childhood friends acting funny when I’m pulling nice women and nice cars – they bragging about that lightweight stuff they on and I’m happy for them but I’m pulling heavyweight moves in Chicago, New York, and Silicon Valley dating Brooklyn sistas and driving big body saloons – they avoiding me like they don’t want to celebrate with me. I had fraternity members (Iota Phi Theta – Upsilon chapter) doing the same stuff, badly want to act like they are on some better stuff than me, and start talking about a dude I know in another fraternity is doing so well when I'm doing better, but we not in a pissing contest. That’s another thing I get all the time and some of you observing me saw that.

I always get folks coming at me saying they know someone doing better than me. Black women I meet are notorious for that after learning what I’m doing and seeing me doing it. I had someone see me setting up in Japan and they blurt out how some other brotha is there “doing their damn thing” – like that supposed to mean something to me. There was a straight-up punk on Medium from that Blavity AfroTech circle talking he knows better “programmers” than me – notice these people cannot directly say they are personally better than me, they are referencing other people being better than me.  Then Blavity AfroTech tried to write up a listicle article on Medium about who Black in Tech is doing great things after finding out Ed Dunn existed – I wrote a response article on Medium and they calmed down after that.

I saw this clip on a psychology website about narcissism while browsing the web on this topic of withholding praise:

“They will fail to acknowledge what makes you happy, refuse to recognize events that are worthy of celebration, and withdraw from complimenting you altogether. Meanwhile, they will sadistically give praise to someone else to further demean you – an act of triangulation meant to unsettle you into feeling undeserving and less than.”

This is exactly what my family was doing, so-called childhood friends, Iota Phi Theta Upsilon chapter fraternity members, Black women I got with, Blavity AfroTech Facebook group and the overall Black community were coming at me with, withholding praise hoping I was feeling undeserving and less than. But there are two problems – first, I’m a lone wolf – yall was never going to succeed trying gaslight a lone wolf, yall wasting yall time with that. Second and this is the most important, I have a global network of awesome folks that are praising me.

In fact, I did not realize the concept of withholding praise until I start interacting with people outside the United States. I got fine Afro-European sistas who are praising me and what I’m doing. I got brothas in Europe and Africa praising me and asking me for advice and suggestions on what they doing. I got Brazilian women sending me pics looking intelligent and beautiful telling me they like what I’m doing as well. Then I’m seeing my platforms are growing from Southeast Asia – a growing emerging economy that is all I really need to get really rich up in this world. But you know the real story – I had Asian girlfriends that were 100% down with what I’m specifically doing and supporting me and encouraging me and being there for me. I had a counterbalance to what some basic Black Americans were trying to come at me with.

However, I thought about something that clicked in my mind and that is these Blavity AfroTech folks who are chasing headlines, write-ups, VC funding – they are clearly doing it for validation, acceptance, and acknowledgment. I strongly believe they are doing this rent-seeking as a result of growing up in an environment of having praise withheld from them from their own folks and community as well. In fact, I know those Blavity AfroTech folks are rent-seeking because of this because real moguls have to be strong-minded and move in silence and not run their mouth or try to draw attention from the bigger fish out there. They over there talking about imposter syndrome, something I never heard about but now I get it.

So with that said, let me explain something to all the Black Excellence folks out there about how to deal with folks around you withholding praise and trying to make you feel undeserving of validation and acknowledgment. We all know smart Black school kids are bullied by both their peers as well as that sorry Black teacher as well. Let’s address this situation to overcome this problem and let me summarize what needs to be done.

Recognize Withholding Praise as Abuse. Realize this is abuse because this behavior is being committed by people you are allowed to get close to you. I wouldn’t give a damn if some redneck from West Virginia said they know a better Black programmer than me – but a Black person saying that BS when I was out here trying to do for my people, see I allowed them in my caring circle to treat me in that aspect. My family, I had a feeling of close bond used that bond, as well as my fraternity brothers and others all, took advantage of my close relationship to turn around and begin withholding praise. It is abuse and betrayal and you have to recognize this.

Get Mad and Do Something About It. You should be upset and you have every right to be because you were being betrayed. Now you understand why leaders get into power and start purging folks and lining them up against a wall. You don’t have to seek revenge or strike back against them, the best thing you can do as a response is remove them all from your circle and bond altogether. That means you cut them off. That includes family; remember that silence is a form of violence. They wanted you to destroy yourself from the inside by their behavior. Cut them off, cut them loose, trust me you will feel better even if it feels shocking. I will say this – nothing is more devastating than doing a mass layoff of your employees so don’t even act like this is a big deal; wait until you have to let an employee go, that hurts a lot worse, trust me.

Reclaim Your Story, Reclaim Your Space. Me and you are having a real talk – you were dealing with parasites and viral infection. They were already in your head because you were close with them and they became a host in your head and attempt to manipulate you into feeling self-doubt about yourself.  Once you purge them, you need to cure yourself by getting back on track with your story and journey. This is the moment; you focus on finishing your goal and striving towards it – live your life and your purpose out. Also find a new space to allow yourself to reclaim yourself and that includes moving to a new city and finding new friends or a new environment.

I think what you guys are trying to call “imposter syndrome” is really you dealing with folks withholding praise. I think you are internalizing and blaming yourself by saying you have “imposter syndrome” but the truth is, folks were out there making you feel like an imposter and making you doubt yourself and feel undeserving of your station and position in life. This is not your fault, folks out here jealous and want to pull others down – you have to move towards power with this in mind always.