Dream and Hustle

The Long Farewell

Wednesday, March 27, 2024

About a month ago, I woke up from a really deep dream and started breathing hard and was almost going to cry. I checked my watch and it was 3:30am and showed I was probably dreaming for 3 hours straight. I remember the whole dream and it was about the woman I have been with for 18 years on and off.

Many of you who follow this blog know the woman because I mentioned her from time to time. She is the woman who I named MochaSpot and now MochaStar after. The last we got together was in 2020. But this dream I had about her was the most intensive dream I ever had in my life and I woke up literally breathing hard and almost crying.

The dream was featuring her life story in a narrative fashion and I was watching every moment of her life. I knew the dream was an imprint of the movie “Millenium Actress” but the ending was different but the same. At the end of the dream, it was the last scene that imprinted deeply into my psyche.

The last scene of my dream was her on a train leaving the station and smiling and waving at everybody in the crowd. She blew a kiss and there was some reflective melancholy music as the train slowly rolled into the horizon. That is when I woke up with sweat, crying, breathing hard and wondered what that dream was about? Why did I dream about her so hard that night?

I felt something was wrong but I also realized how important this woman was to my life and how much she meant to me – I always truly loved her but we didn’t work out. Off and on for 18 years, but we kept trying. But that dream meant something and I never went back to sleep because the dream was too intense and I replayed it over and over in my head.

I made an attempt to reach out to her and get in contact again. I thought we were never on talking terms again after how she treated me. The cycle was the same – we meet, we have a great time, we have a greater time, but she suddenly ghost, I reach out to her, she treat me like I’m bothering her and start tearing me down and we break up.

The worst breakup was around 2018 when she kept asking for money from me but not coming around then when it finally came time to visit me, she ghost on me again as if she took my money and ran. I wrote an article on Dream and Hustle about her and what she did to me. I learned later in the 2020 meeting that she was impacted by that article as word got around and she stopped asking me for money like that.

We were never toxic when together – we actually enjoyed each other company. What happens is she stop showing up physically and start texting crazy stuff over the phone over days until I see she has no intention of coming back around. This happen so many times like a broken record that I had enough of it in 2020 and just moved on.

2024, I had the dream out of nowhere as I’m dating other women around the world and in Tokyo picking up my Japanese girlfriend from her Japanese job and go for dinner before taking a cab through Tokyo to her condo and helping her get ready for the morning commute. But this dream was too deep and too vivid and I once again track her down in 2024 a month ago.

She appeared excited to hear from me again and we agreed to meet. Our first meeting was at the Cheesecake Factory in Lenox. She was running late but what I’m going to describe next are things I noticed but in hindsight.

I saw her walked in and she was moving slower, more chilled and with her head slightly down, looking for me. I stood up and waved my arms wildly and she moved slowly towards me and gave me hug. In the past she would be there on her phone walking in looking around and the center of attention because she is very attractive and a hottie. I did notice it as a first impression but was more excited to see her again.

We had a follow up where she met me at my place. She rang and told me to come to the lobby as she waited. I went downstairs and saw her but she didn’t see me and I looked at her. She was just sitting there on a bench just staring straight ahead and I looked at her for a few seconds before stepping out and meeting her.

We had some back and forth and almost broke up again but I fought to meet her again so we can sit down and talk. We met at Houston’s in Buckhead and we talked our entire past to why should we see each other again. I expressed my grievance when she ghosted me and ended up getting pregnant 10 years ago and how that broke me down, but I forgave her because I was dating her for 5 years while married, we first met in 2006 while the ex-wife was tripping like a brotha didn’t have alternative options in Atlanta.

She claimed I was verbally abusive to her and that is not true – she always ghosted me and I think it was emotional abuse she was inflicting to make me crawl and beg and then she try to tear me down over the phone or email and I respond telling her to go somewhere, then she claim I was mean to her using reverse psychology.

We decided to make up and let the past be the past, we are older now, she approaching 40s and I’m in my 50s. I met her when she was 21 and I was 36 but I look much younger than my age. Which is why I am in my 50s and my Japanese girl is 26. We decided to take our first trip together, a weekend vacation to Las Vegas.

On the week running up to the vacation, we were talking on the phone and I brought up a moment we had together back in 2017. She did not remember this detail and as I explained it more, she started to panic and agitated that it never happened and I stop talking about it. She mentioned that she is forgetting things and need to get it checked out.

We traveled to Vegas and had a great time. I had got upgraded to the hotel best suite which had two full bathroom and one big bedroom and living room and entertaining kitchen area. Full view of the strip and was a $1000/night room because I had the upgrade perk being a Platinum Expedia member. The original room booked was less than $200/night.

What we did in Vegas. She went shopping at several stores on Flamingo and slept most of the day. I let her drive us around in the rental Maserati and she was enjoying doing the driving around and shopping. No visits to the casinos on the strip and I think she didn’t like being around the people and the noise.

But something happened I don’t want to get into details but we had a great day and I thought we was going to have a night cap together. But what happened is I took a small nap, woke up and she wasn’t in the hotel room. She stated she is downstairs and will come up right away. It was 1am when I got that message – it was after 2:00am I decided to go downstairs and see where she was at.

She was at the bar and some people were buying her drinks. She was by herself and just talking to people she doesn’t know carrying on a conversation. I grabbed her and brought up upstairs and she fell asleep once again as we were talking. We had an mini-argument in the morning about her running off like that and she got a little defensive and I just walked in the room and packed my bags, it got a little tense that she ruined our special night going out drinking instead of considering spending quality time with me.

When we got back, she didn’t call me the whole week, no text messages like she done before just telling me to have a blessed day like she used to do. I called her and she talked about being busy again and being agitated about me asking about her. Once again, I did all of this for her and now she ghosting on me again and getting ready for the crazy text.

I tried to strategy to avoid the repeat script and ask her to call me and told her I care about her and not repeat this same step. She calls me and the conversation was actually good talking about leaving church. Then it took suddenly a dark turn.

Out of nowhere, she started piling on condescending insults, saying she will never date me or we be a couple, said I was mean to her when I wasn’t, then she throwing my son in her tirade in a condescending manner and she was going out of control.

She said she just want peace for herself and don’t want to be bothered with me no more. She kept stressing something she said in Vegas as well – she want me to find a nice woman and be happy with her. But she still going crazy and I have never seen her talk this irrational and making up negative things to try to hurt me. So I said something about her child to shut her up then I just hung up the phone. I wished I never stooped to her level and talked about her child like that, I personally regret responding to her hyper-negativity but it drove me crazy and I snapped, especially talking about my son she never met.

She blocked my calls so I cannot reach out to her again. She disconnected her phone the previous week after we got into it but she quickly reconnected after I emailed her and told her I’m sorry and that I love her and just want us to celebrate life together.

Later that day I recalled similar incidents among my family – the blank stares, the slower moving, the crazy talk, the anxiety about being around other people and it hit me like a ton of bricks because she had all of the symptoms. When I realized she slept most of the day in Vegas and she was just there shopping and talking to herself loudly, my heart dropped and I began to breathe hard and my heart became very heavy.

She was declining – I began to cry out of control at everything connecting in my head that she is definitely having all of the symptoms of mental decline.

The real shock is I re-analyzed that dream that brought me back to her in the first place. The train leaving the station with her blowing a kiss was her leaving us slowly and I was not going to see her again as the same person as time progress, it was the final ride into the horizon. This dream is a true story – it was a precognition and divine revelation to check on her and now everything has been revealed and I discovered the meaning of the dream.

There is no more getting together and everything is at a new chapter and beginning of the end phase. I’m going to lose the woman I loved the most, been with the most in my lifetime to the long goodbye. She is going to decline further, lose more memory, and things will get worst and she is not even 40 years old. There is no getting better.

Right now, I’m devastated and shocked. I’m not ready to face this, right now. This is the one that really hurts, when it is someone, you truly loved all your life. There is something that I think I understand about the dream that I’m know is the truth.

In the dream, she was waving and blowing kisses to everybody as the train left the station. That is how she want to be remembered and leave a good impression on all of us even as she move on.  She already told me to find someone to be happy with and keep stressing she want me to have a new woman that makes me happy. That weekend in Vegas was our final normal get together before the next chapter.

The next phase now is to provide and protect her and give her the peace she finally wanted in her life. On the flight home, I watched her as she stared out the window at the ground below. Now, thinking about how she was looking out the window as if she never flew in a plane before, I’m beginning to see the dream was my calling to be there for this woman I loved more than anyone that I’m going to start losing. 


Ed Dunn

From Chicago West Side to Worldwide